Alex Sherman is my friend, one of my best friends at that. But while I love him, I also hate him. And here are my reasons why:
10. He’s stupid.
9. It’s always his idea to make Chase the gay character in every We Like Dragons sketch, even though we all know CHASE IS ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY NOT GAY. If he were gay, I’d totally be cool with that. But yes, I probably wouldn’t “be in any more videos with him” or “hang out near or around him.”
8. He is a communist.
7. He doesn’t like Batman: The Dark Knight (also: see #8).
6. He’s a member of We Like Dragons. Jealous….
5. He is not allergic to cats. Look, I’m not a cat person, and even if I were not allergic to cats, I’d still probably hate them. They’re anti-social, they hiss at you, and sometimes I think they talk in cat-tongue about me behind my back. But at least if I weren’t allergic to them, I’d be able to touch the damn things. I don’t have any cats. Alex has four.
4. His former resemblance to Pee-Wee Herman. Before Alex reached puberty last year, he looked exactly like Pee-Wee Herman, leading to one of the easiest, most obvious Halloween costumes of all time. How convenient is that? It should be noted that Alex doesn’t look like Pee-Wee anymore. These days, he resembles Paul Reubens.
3. He can edit this. When I’m finished with this blog, I’ll send it to the webmaster – Alex. For all I know, this list will end up being “Ten Reasons Why I Love Alex and Want to Have His Babies.” That’s something nobody should be able to do. And when I say that, I mean being able to have Alex’s babies.
2. That Alex Sherman Smell. You all know what I’m talking about, maybe not with Alex, but with someone you’re friends with. They have a certain scent. You walk into their house and go, “Ah, yes, the Alex smell.” Well, the smell is getting rank, Alex. Put on some cologne or plug some Glade in.
1. The Reason for this Blog. Earlier in the week, Alex and I went to see the standup comedy troupe Stella perform at the House of Blues with a couple friends (including We Like Dragons’ own Brian Sparker.) Let it be known that I idolize the members of Stella. When I had no cable this year at school, I obsessively watched every episode of Stella five times each, with and without commentary. At the show on Sunday, Stella needed an audience member to come up on stage. Michael Ian Black pointed at me. I raised my hand as if to say, “Me??” Michael Ian Black spoke: “No, you’re a bit too anxious. How about your friend right next to you?” The end of the story is predictable; Alex went upstage with Stella, performed a game with them, and got a free T-Shirt. I was left as the kid who almost went onstage with Stella.
I learned a lot through this experience: don’t look anxious when your idol is pointing at you, be less good looking so that Michael Ian Black isn’t intimidated, and never, ever sit next to someone as emotionless as Alex Sherman.
And that is why I hate Alex Sherman.
But Alex, if you’re reading this, do you want to hang out this Saturday?
