Before I get into my rant let me make this perfectly clear the ‘fudge’ in the title is to take place for a certain explicit word. The F-word. (the big bad one) I used fudge for a cute little reason: A Christmas Story. He says fudge instead of the other word. I wanted this to be clear because the image of ‘Fudge Snow’ may confuse some idiots that will undoubtedly think of ‘Snow Fudge’ which is fudge-covered snow, a delicious treat for long winter days.
‘Snow Fudge’ is a happy thought. And that is not what I want with this blog. This is an anger-fueled blog. The only way ‘Snow Fudge’ could cause anger is if one thought of it as a nickname for ‘Eskimo Poop’. But that is a stretch. And that actually kind of makes me smile. My mind conjures up an image of a small old man dressed in many layers trying to take his pants down long enough to do his business, but short enough so his bum doesn’t freeze off. (Interestingly enough ‘Snow Fudge’ usually causes the runs, and I bet in Eskimo heavy cities ‘Snow Fudge’ is a common dessert. So if you put two and two together [4] you could deduce that this old man Eskimo is poo-ing because of the ‘Snow Fudge’)
Now to my anger-fueled blog!!! FUDGE SNOW!!! (Please do not come up with any kind of imagery; that is just nasty.) Snow is sooo (three o’s: I kept it low because I don’t want the o’s to take away from my point.) annoying and needs to give it a rest. I mean really. Lets take rain and make it a little more annoying by making it cold and some kind of half-bred solid, which makes it even more slippery for passersby. Just so you know I am being very stereotypical and when I say snow I mean all of its lame little cousins too: Sleet, Hail, and Ice.
It’s cold, it’s wet, and it’s slippery. It takes any travel situation and doubles the time needed to complete that said situation. And when I say double I am being generous with the numbers. Anything that is an ‘ace in the hole’ reason to drive 20 mph on the highway is a bad thing no matter how you look at it.
Take the historical aspect. Whenever pioneers and old things alike are discussed, it is always mentioned how when winter came, people died. Back then people’s whole year revolved around preparing for the winter. What do you think killed them? It wasn’t Santa. (to my data Santa only has 27 kills to his name) You know what it was? It was snow and its three attributes of death: Cold, Wet, and Slippery.
So why do people even like this precipitation that only Satan himself could have conceived? I racked my brain for any kind of reason. I could only come up with two, yup only two somewhat affordable reasons. First off, it can be very beautiful. And yes, it can be, but only when you are in a nice warm house with a large cup of cocoa looking out the window. You know what else is beautiful? You know what else is pretty? Kittens. But you don’t see me taking them out back and beating them with a ball-peened hammer now do ya’?
Reason number two; fort-building. Forts are awesome we can all agree on that. And what cheaper way to build a fort than with snow. Wow it seems perfect right? Wrong. What is the purpose of a fort? Well obviously it is a place to hang out, protect/hide treasure, and a place to get away from girls who have cooties. Where do I like to hang out with friends? Top of my list is a moist dank snow covered cave. Not! That was sarcasm. I really want to chill (haha chill I didn’t even do that on purpose) with some buddies in a place I have to put on a 6-inch jacket and pant suit (sarcasm again). Hiding Treasure. Can’t do that in an igloo. With global warming and weather as sporadic as it is the damn thing can be melted by tomorrow revealing my lucky charms. Keeping cooties away. Germs spread like wildfire in the cold. This fort aint protecting me from nothing. Even the three little pigs weren’t dumb enough to build with snow, and one had to be legally retarded (I mean come on straw!).
I am going to say it one more time FUDGE SNOW! Now, if you will all please sign my petition that would eliminate snow for next season. I figured we would try it out for a season and if everything went well, then we could get rid of the god-forsaken white powder for good!
